He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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