Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
