I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
