The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
even my farts smell like vagina
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize