Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
