now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Randomize
