you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
