I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
