Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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