My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
