The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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