god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
