How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
