Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
