how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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