Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
