I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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