it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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