Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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