I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
