dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
