She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
