Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
