Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
