I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
