just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Randomize
