I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
