the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Houston, we have a blender
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize