watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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