3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
