I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
