I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
