the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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