if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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