There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
