I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
