Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
