Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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