Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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