Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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