I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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