I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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