You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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