i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize