worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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