I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
