There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
