i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize