We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
