Already got asked if we're dating
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
