So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
