i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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