Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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