Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
