I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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