So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
