There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Enjoy the penises
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize